The story of the 2023 NFL season has undoubtedly been the dismal quarterback play. It’s not necessarily the league’s fault; injuries have rocked so many starting signal callers.
Sometimes, when the world is in a dark spot, it needs a hero. I have no problem filling that role today, because I have the solution. I’ll be the hero the football world desperately needs.
Here’s my thought: Let’s replace every starting quarterback for the rest of the season with someone (or something) else. Some replacements are fictional characters, some are historical figures, but all would be wildly entertaining and much more watchable than the product the league currently puts out.
My only constraint is that Bing’s AI image generator didn’t allow prompts that include real people. Womp womp.
Without further ado, here is my new look NFL with 32 incredible quarterbacks.
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs – Replace Patrick Mahomes with Kermit the Frog
Low-hanging fruit. The memes speak for themselves on this one.
Los Angeles Chargers – Replace Easton Stick with Pikachu
This just makes sense, doesn’t it? Would literally put the CHARGE in the Chargers.
Las Vegas Raiders – Replace Aidan O’Connell with Batman
The next great Batman plot: The Caped Crusader protects Vegas from evil while also playing quarterback for the local football team AND managing a crippling gambling addiction. I’ll write the script, DC!
Denver Broncos – Replace Russell Wilson with Mike Wazowski
Would Mike be a good quarterback in the NFL? Probably not. Would he talk mad shit and be a must-watch every week? Absolutely. Between getting his fingers crushed in a door, getting his crotch blasted on a door rail, and getting his hand bitten by a child, we at least know he can take the physical beating from oncoming rushers.
AFC South
Houston Texans – Replace CJ Stroud with Pablo Sanchez
The GOAT of video game characters. Pablo would be unstoppable as a quarterback, so selfishly, I want him on my team. The AI kinda let me down here but it’s close enough.
Indianapolis Colts – Replace Gardner Minshew with Woody
A true gunslinger. Might make a few bad throws and struggle to read defenses, but his absolute cannon of an arm makes up for it. Not sure how he’ll feel about Indianapolis, however.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Replace Trevor Lawrence with Hercules
Lawrence is the closest thing to Hercules in human form, so this makes a lot of sense to me. A truly godly quarterback. And yes, I was going for the Disney version.
Tennessee Titans – Replace Will Levis with Patrick Star
Nashville might be far from Bikini Bottom, but someone of Patrick’s temperament and mental capacity would fit right in with the great people of Tennessee. Let’s go.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens – Replace Lamar Jackson with any adult Na’Vi tribesman
This is probably the only way Lamar could get any more otherworldly. If you thought Lamar was tough to take down, just imagine trying to get one of these big bodies on the ground. Nightmare of a matchup.
Cincinnati Bengals – Replace Jake Browning with Tony the Tiger
I had to find some sort of Tiger or Tiger-adjacent character to play quarterback in the Queen City. The Bengals would be grrrrrrrrreat! (Sorry, had to).
Cleveland Browns – Replace Joe Flacco with Cleveland Brown
No further explanation needed.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Replace Mason Rudolph with Shrek
Pittsburgh needs a truly humble, blue-collar kinda guy to be its quarterback. Nobody embodies that better than Shrek. Call the stadium the Steeler Swamp and put the offensive into ogredrive.
AFC East
Buffalo Bills – Replace Josh Allen with Pinocchio
Josh Allen is the Pinocchio of NFL starting quarterbacks. They’re both fakers. Their giveaways are longer noses and awful interceptions.
Miami Dolphins – Replace Tua Tagovailoa with Timmy from Southpark
I love Tua and would never wish for anything bad to happen to him. However, you can’t deny that he’s one hit away from becoming Timmy. Living on the edge.
New England Patriots – Replace Bailey Zappe (or Mac Jones) with Peter Griffin
The guy is from New England and understands what it means to play for the most spoiled fanbase in football. Just need to make sure to max protect at all times, because he’s sure as hell not leaving the pocket. Sacks would be hilarious.
New York Jets – Replace Trevor Siemian with Dash
I originally wrote this when Zach Wilson was the starter. I’d be shocked if Wilson starts again, even after he returns from protocol, but nonetheless, Dash is everything the Jets wish Wilson was. Quick, agile, and a dropper of bombs all over the field. A potential champion-caliber quarterback outside the pocket.
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals – Replace Kyler Murray with the Red Angry Bird
At least the Angry Bird will care a little more about winning. I’ll admit, this was a lazy pick on my part. The Cardinals are a lazy franchise, so it fits.
Los Angeles Rams – Replace Matthew Stafford with an actual Ram truck
AI insisted on adding a human on top of the truck, but you get the idea. Rams games turning into mini Monster Jam would be appointment viewing. Maybe they would actually get people to come to their games.
San Francisco 49ers – Replace Brock Purdy with Napoleon Bonaparte
For some reason, this is the only real life person Bing AI would let me make an image for. Don’t know what that’s about, but a leader who is smaller in stature, mightily charismatic, AND buckles in the cold? The comp is obvious.
Seattle Seahawks – Replace Geno Smith with Big Bird
Big Bird definitely won’t have any problem seeing the field and making the important throws. For some reason, I sense he’s got a hall-of-fame trash talk game in the locker as well.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons – Replace Desmond Ridder with Air Bud
It would just be wrong not to include Air Bud on this list. It’s doubtful that he can throw at all, but we already know he can carry and run. The Falcons would have an elite option game.
Carolina Panthers – Replace Bryce Young with Homer Simpson
I’m obsessed with the current Homer AI soccer supporter trend, and so I had to fit him in somewhere. Carolina stinks, so why not here? Would at least make them worth paying attention to on RedZone.
New Orleans Saints – Replace Derek Carr with a local witch doctor
We need New Orleans to be able to use some sort of voodoo or dark magic or whatever you want to call it. It’s a must. And yes, I know that’s not what a witch doctor looks like. AI gives and takes away.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Replace Baker Mayfield with Jack Sparrow
A no-brainer. Who else to be the Bucs’ signal caller? Who wouldn’t want to see the classic Sparrow run and his shoddy decision making on the field. He’ll be impossible to sack too. Rush as many as you want; he’s escaping the pocket no matter what.
NFC North
Chicago Bears – Replace Justin Fields with Tow Mater
The Bears just need some positive PR, and is there a more universally loved character than Mater? He’s good outside the pocket, and you just know he’ll be slinging the rock with that tow cable. Unclear how accurate he’ll be but that thing will be humming.
Detroit Lions – Replace Jared Goff with an actual lion
One of the only ways I could think of to make the Lions’ offense more threatening. Imagine the King of the Jungle in the dome? I hope you have the over.
Green Bay Packers – Replace Jordan Love with The Minions
We’ll need three or four of these guys put together to make this work, but that’s what The Minions are best at. They are the ultimate team players and don’t need any credit, which would be quite refreshing for Packers fans who are used to self-absorbed quarterbacks.
Minnesota Vikings – Replace Nick Mullens with Venom
I have a theory that Venom actually possesses the Vikings’ starting quarterback position. It feels like whoever fills that role just becomes good all of a sudden. For a few weeks, the guy puts up career numbers, but then Venom runs out of use and moves onto the next guy. All I’m asking is that we get this thing above board and out in the open.
NFC West
Dallas Cowboys – Replace Dak Prescott with Billy the Kid
The Cowboys should have history’s most notorious outlaw slinging it around back there. We’ll need some extra approval from the league to work our way around his criminal record, but that’s just an obstacle. Ratings are king.
New York Giants – Replace Tommy DeVito with James Bond
It would be pretty cool if James Bond was the Giants’ quarterback by day and 007 by night. Poised under pressure, nothing will faze him, and he’s a great scrambler when things go off-script. A perfect fit for the league’s biggest market.
Philadelphia Eagles – Replace Jalen Hurts with Dora the Explorer
The way the Eagles shove Jalen Hurts up his line’s ass all the time, they need an expert adventurer and explorer to find the gaps and holes in all that beef. Dora won’t even need a map to navigate the Tush Push, and unlike Jalen, we know that ball security with Dora will be on point. Swiper, no swiping!
Washington Commanders – Replace Sam Howell with Remy from Ratatouille
Washington would love to have someone behind center cooking something up like Remy can. Such a good fit. Best of all, he’ll fit right in with all the other rats and unidentified organisms that call FedEx Field home.
Follow Nick Hedges on Twitter @nicktrimshedges and Instagram @nicktrimshedges
